Today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day I lost my sweet husband, the love of my life and my very best friend. One year ago today, my boys lost their dad, and I lost half of my heart and soul. Every day since that day I have felt less than whole.
Some days everything seems normal and plays out without any thought to the void left in our lives, but there are times, most every day, when I feel like a lost child in a great big store, my heart racing and my mind screaming while I search for that person or that moment that will grab hold of me and say” everything is ok now, I got you, it is going to be ok. Shhhh.. its ok, you are safe now, I will never let this happen to you again.”
There are thoughts that race through my mind, I want to go back to that day, and I want to be with him and help him, maybe I could have saved him, I could have tried….
There is a sadness and remorse that I feel for his mother, and I am so sorry that I couldn’t do more to save him or prevent this from happening at all. I can’t imagine her pain, losing a child, I would never be able to manage that loss in my life and I am so sorry that she has to, she certainly does not deserve that. She gave me a gift that I can never repay her for, she gave me her beautiful son and a love that I will eternally be grateful for, I was truly blessed and so lucky to have such a special man that loved me and our children so very much. Thank you ma, for such a treasure. We all love you so much and our love for him will never end.
As I sit here today remembering this horrible day, one year ago, I am reminded of all the love that surrounded me on that fateful day and of the shear emptiness I felt within me as the day went on. I am reminded of the feeling that this could not be real, it could not be true. I believed for a moment that if I denied the reality of it, it would all go away, and he would come home. Of course, that was not true, and reality was here to stay.
I used to tell him when we argued that I could live without him, that I was a strong woman, and I could manage just fine on my home and probably be much happier if I did. It all seems feasible and is so easy to say, but when reality strikes and you are truly left all alone to manage everything on your own and you did not choose for this to be, you find that you can certainly manage on your own, but the reality is, while you can live without him and you are strong enough to live alone, you don’t ever want to and you never really did.
I know now that I was always capable of living on my own, of being a strong independent woman and taking on the world, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life living alone without someone to love and to love me back. I cherish every moment of sharing affection with someone and working as a team to manage the everyday struggles of life. I love having a partner and a forever best friend right beside everyday and lying next to me every night. Someone who appreciates me and respects me and loves me and all of my flaws and sees the perfection in all of it and I in his.
This kind of relationship does not come along to often, so if you have it, hold on to it, its priceless. Soak up every moment you have together because you never know when it will be the last. I am hopeful I will find it again one day and if I am ever lucky enough to gain that blessing a second time, trust me I will not be letting go and I will cherish every moment. It’s a rare find, like a classic car or a treasured jewel and you must remember to maintain that shine with love, respect, and appreciation of one another always.
I miss my angel every day and I know my love for him will never end. He will live on in my heart and in the faces and actions of our children forever. I know I never really lost him, God just borrowed him to me for a short while and then carried him home to make a place for me one beautiful day.
If I am ever blessed to love another this way, to stumble across a second precious jewel, I will know God’s grace has seen in me a worth to shine his light and share another of his beautiful souls with me and how lucky I would be.