It has been 3 months now and the pain has not changed but the level of acceptance has. My heart will never stop hurting over the loss of my husband, this I can tell you with the utmost assurance, but my mind has reached a comforting moment, where I have found it within my soul to let go and through peaceful understanding, I can now see the blessing in my husband’s passing.
I know this sounds strange and somewhat unsettling to say that my husband passing away is a blessing, understand I am not implying that this is a blessing for me or for my children but instead I am finding through all of my seeking for answers that this is a blessing for my husband.
I know that he loved his children and myself very much and that he was never looking to hurt or harm any of us or himself. I know that it was not his intention to die, nor did he know that he was going to die. I am positive he was in no way ready to leave this world, however, I know that he was struggling with his own demons and while he was always a ray of light for most, he was living in a personal darkness that others could not see, and I believe led to the ending of his life.
While I reached out to God and begged for his light to strengthen me and help me to find peace in my heart with the presence of my husband existing no longer, I suddenly awoke to an answer I was not expecting.
As I was laying in my bed looking at my husband’s picture and lecturing him on leaving me, a small light flickered in my eyes, and it was then I realized, my husband is no longer in pain, he is no longer feeling stress or struggling to understand why life is so hard, he is no longer in anguish over a job he hated or fighting the addictions he despised. He is no longer feeling the hurt he held from his past and he is no longer feeling the disappointment of not finding the success he was searching for.
At that moment, I looked at his picture and while starring into his eyes, I felt a calmness and an understanding, and my heart was renewed with a joy and a happiness that seemed strangely okay. Instead of continuing to lecture my husband, I began to tell him how thankful I was that he was no longer hurting, that he was free of the stressors he once held onto and that he could now live in the paradise he always dreamt of, free of any burden or pain he once had.
I told him, “I have always loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you and I am forever grateful that you chose me to spend your life with. My love for you is a love that loved everything about you, the bad, the good, and the ugly. The love I have for you meant that I always wanted the best for you and for you to know every happiness in life and after. I have always searched for a way to take away your pain and suffering and I have come to the sudden realization that by loving you unconditionally, I did everything In my power to comfort your heart and ease your mind.”
My last words to him before I fell to sleep with a comforted heart, “Thank you for loving me and spending your life with me.” “I am honored and proud to have been your wife and I am so happy that you are now at peace, enjoy your paradise baby, you deserve it!”