We do not come into this world with a set of rules and guidebooks to walk us through every path we take or prevent us from the pitfalls that are bound to occur. We are not programmed to know when we will feel heartache or be subject to painful loss in our lives. We are not provided certainty on who we will fall in love with or when and we can never know just how our life story will play out and how it will come to an end.
Every step of our lives is a process of guesswork and hopefulness. One day we suddenly realize we exist on earth and our lives are guided for a short while by our parent’s choices and their rules until we gain the ability to have minds of our own and decide to start making choices for ourselves. We are now deciding what kind of person we want to be, how we want to be perceived in life and who we are attracted to. We are hopeful that this person we are attracted to feels the same way and that our choice is a good one, one that carries a long fruitful relationship for years to come. We then begin planning a family, a career, and a life together amongst all of these choices.
Of course, nowhere do we find side notes that state, “Watch out for the financial burdens”, “Get ready for the risks that come with bearing children and starting careers”, “Be prepared for the marital fights over money and differences of opinions”, “Are you aware that you are going to start questioning yourself and your choices?” “Did you know that you will let yourself down and others around you?” These are most certain to happen in most everyone’s lives at some point and time.
It is the real difficult moments that really throw us for a loop, like, addiction, health issues, diseases, and of course freak accidents that no one is ever prepared for in life. Sometimes we are even destined to take on additional responsibilities with no given choice in the matter and you just do it because you know you have to, and you do not have the heart to say no.
Life is a real Bitch. The World most days feels like a real mastermind of some evil bastard who is just sitting back laughing at your expense, all the while knowing he is not finished with you yet and the best and worst is yet to come, but you will never know which is going to come first.
While we strive hard in this world to create a great life for ourselves and fight our inner demons, we are always finding ourselves tripping over the efforts and overthinking whether we are doing the best we can and whether we have done enough. We allow stress to control us and we start to abuse ourselves mentally and physically over things that our not really in our control. That mastermind laughing all the way to your demise.
It is at this point in our lives that our choices start to affect our loved ones and with this comes even greater pain and strife and further abuse on ourselves. It becomes quite the burden to see the anguish on your loved ones faces and know that you are the cause.
It would seem that everything we worked so hard to accomplish, just never seems to pay off and we are destined to just continue to work hard and continue to find ourselves feeling let down by the curses of the evils of the world.
For some, they are unable to let go and let God take control. For some, they can not see passed the stressors they hold onto and the only answer is to “self -medicate” if you are uncertain what this term means, for most the use of alcohol or drugs is one method.
For myself, I have always chosen to leave my stressors in God’s hands and let him guide me through the toughest moments where I felt I had nothing left to give and, in the literal, threw my hands in the air and said “God, I am all out of options, I need you now, please show me the way.” For my husband he was the self-medicator who did not know how to let go and just live life for what it was.
We are all responsible for the choices we make in life and we are all responsible for the decision to let life’s demons and the evils of this world control our destiny in life or to make the best of our lives, no matter what struggles we may face along the way.
With this revelation in mind, I believe that my beautiful husband let the evils in this world and the stressors he held onto bring an untimely end to his life.
Not knowing that the next struggle I would have to contend with would be the most difficult pain in my life to overcome, the loss of the love of my life, the boy I chose to be attracted to, the man I chose to start a family with, the partner I chose to create a life with, I questioned God. I asked God why. I am still asking why and still waiting for my answers.
While I wait, I am certain of this, God wants me to continue my path, take care of my boys and go on with my life. I know that I will never lose my love for Erik and I will, one day, see him again. For now, I have to make my life count, not just for me, but for my children and their children and to pay tribute to the hard work my husband put forth to give us a great life and because this teammate must take the baton and carry on!!
Ok God, Show me the way!!