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The Battle

Sometimes in life we are presented with moments, trials and tribulations, or dilemma’s that keep us guessing if we are doing the right things. We are not always given options to decide if we are willing to the take the challenges that are bestowed upon us, they are just slapped down in front of us without any warning and no list of rules or directions provided to help us through these obstacles that make their way into our lives.

Some may even call these moments, a second chance, a blessing to be able to start over and do things differently, a time of reflection to see things anew, an opportunity to make life what you want it to be. Some of us were not asking for this moment, this opportunity, or this blessing. Some of us would have liked to have been given a choice, a say in the life change that would come our way.

Unfortunately, some occurrences don’t come with the time for a choice or a moment to have a say in the matter at hand. Why? Because it was not even our loved one’s choice. It was all just matter of fact without warning for anyone.

The battle that comes from this involves many tiny battles and one major one. First, we must take on all of the responsibilities that were once shared as a team. Second, we must become two parents in one. Third, we now must fight off everyone’s opinions about our decisions and our choices in the life we now lead. Fourth, we must learn to adjust to the missing affection, love, and partnership we once had. These are the tiny battles.

The major battle is learning to love again and with this, being okay with moving on, trusting someone with our heart again and allowing ourselves to open up and feel love from someone new without feeling guilty that you are continuing on with someone else in your life. We have to find a way to not feel as if we are letting go of the love we lost, but instead, merely making room in our hearts for someone else to take a space in along with them. This somehow seems to be the toughest battle of them all.

Of course, I can’t speak for others, but what I do know is, I am fighting my own battles these days and I have never been more terrified of the unknown in my life. I spoke in the past of believing I had found that second person that would take residence in my heart, but that was not the case, and he was not the right one. I know this now more than ever because what I have learned after that came to an end was that nothing is ever that simplistic and vulnerability is just that, a weakness for needing someone or thinking you do, does not make them right.

I have also learned that love, real love, is the kind that makes you feel uneasy, makes you shiver inside, makes you question everything about it, makes you pause and feel absolutely terrified, because for the first time, you have such feelings that you are awakened to the realization that you may be moving on, starting over and a part of you becomes broken hearted at actually feeling yourself loving someone new. You become very aware that your previous relationship is really over, and the sadness fills you up inside. You find yourself nauseous and fighting between your elated happiness and a disappointment in yourself for wanting to move on.

You question yourself and your feelings over and over, but no matter how often you question yourself, your feelings take over and your heart just feels what it feels inside, and you are no longer able to fight your heart anymore.

It's when you are the most afraid of the feelings you hold that you begin to realize that the reason you are so afraid is that you know you are truly falling in love and it just seems unimaginable that you could feel about someone else, the way you felt about your first love. There is nothing in the world that feel likes that, nothing. It is the most frustrating and the most emotional feelings ever and it actually hurts inside to know that this is possible again.

It is a tough battle, a battle like no other and I am not sure I would wish these battles on anyone.

However, when the battles are all won and you came through them all like a warrior, the reward is incredible. To know that you are filled with this much fight and are bold enough to rage through it and strong enough to make it to the other side with a sense of pride and all of the blessings of the Lord upon you is the most amazing feeling ever.

My battles are not all won yet, but I am winning all of the daily battles, the tiny battles, and eventually, I think, I may find myself winning the major battle very soon. I think, this time, someone may have stolen my heart before even I realized they had.

If ever you find yourself in these battles, remember that your greatest weapon through them all is having faith in the Lord, he holds the map to your battle plan.

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