Did you ever play tag as a kid? Do you remember when you were tagged, that moment of being disoriented and trying to figure out which direction to go first? Did it always seem you wanted to go after the person you liked the most, your best friend?
I have likened my story to the game of tag, only this time the players are a bit different and so is the game. I like to say that my husband passing away was him reaching out and saying “tag your it” to me. I was nowhere near prepared to be “it”, I had no idea which direction to face and to go forward in. I was completely disoriented, and I have been ever since.
I am finding as I did when I was a young girl that this game is not so easy and not everyone wants to be a part of it. I have determined as I did back then, that I must be a bit more strategic with my choices and a little less determined that my first choice is the right one. I must take my time and choose wisely, and hope my choice doesn’t scream “not it” before I have tapped them in.
I must remember as the “it” that I have a heavy job and I have now become the top of the pyramid, the head of the household, the single taxpayer that is now responsible for every decision and every bruised knee or emotional cry of help.
I am the one and only parent and I will be the reason if everything falls down or the one that makes everything skyrocket to the moon and proves that you can make all of your dreams come true if you just make the effort and believe in yourself. I can prove that all things are possible even after you feel like you have hit the deepest pits of hell.
Everything that I was once building with my teammate, I am now doing alone. I’m “it”.
I have found that I am not done being emotional or having moments where the memories seep in and the tears pour out. I describe it as pulling off a band-aid. I am still in the stages where it still hurts to pull, and I am hopeful that someday soon I will be at the spot on the wound that no longer hurts as I finish ripping off the band-aid and I will find the wound underneath has a barrier of new skin. A shiny, clean, surface that is toughened with a bit of scarring and prepared for any new hits it might take.
I know I will never be completely brand new and there will always be memories and a few tears, but the hope is that I can smile through the tears and know that I am lucky to have those memories. So, as I find my balance and determine my direction in this new game of life for me, I’ll keep telling myself just as I tell my boys,” Keep going it will stop hurting once the band-aid is off.”
What I have begun to realize is, the players in this new game are not what they once were. The world has changed, and the choices are not so clear. The person that was once at the top of my pyramid with me is not so easily matched, there are very few that measure up to his level and what I have come to expect and desire. I have also determined that my job is way more challenging now and I must now make sure that my boys see that they do not need to stand in my place but instead they need to see that mom has got this and respect my choices in life as well as respecting my position as not only their mother but as the head of this family now.
I am proud of my boys and so grateful for the strength they had to step in and take the reigns when mom had no strength at all. I am thankful for their willingness to push me to be strong, get back up, take the reign back and go on.
I have found a true sense of joy and inner strength from my new work position, and I have begun to see that I am capable of taking on the world again and making it everything I want it to be. I will find someone to stand beside me again, but this time they will have to ask me if I am willing to share my life with them and they will need to know that should I be willing to welcome them into my world, they will be on my journey, I will not be tagging along on theirs.
I am confident that I will succeed in all of my endeavors because I will not give up until I do. I know I am a strong woman and I believe that I can do all things through Christ because he is my strength. I refuse to let my children or myself down and I refuse to let this world lead me.
I am taking the reign with great force and power, and I am carving out the way to seeing all of my dreams becoming a reality and giving my boys the greatest example to follow in their lives and that is when I will have won the game!!