And Just like that… I am starting my life over. With no warning and no plan, my life changed, and now every decision in my life is solely up to me. As I sit here reviewing the events that just occurred and the situation I am currently standing in, I realize, everything we have built together has now been placed in my care and I must now finish out my life on the road, only I can choose. Do I live out my life single or do I find someone new? Do I follow the path we started or add new changes along the way? Wow, I never thought I would be sitting here, pondering these thoughts, ever….
Here is what I know, I am a mother of three amazing men and one incredible boy, I am a registered nurse with a bachelor’s degree almost in place, and I am a widow of the most wonderful man I could have ever had the privilege of loving in my lifetime. I have a beautiful home and with all of my insecurities, I still feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have been given so many blessings in my life.
My heart is broken and will be, probably for the rest of my life. If I ever entertain the notion of being with anyone else, they will have a lot to live up to and even more, because I will never settle for simply good enough, this time the entirety of prince charming is required and that is If there is even to be another person for me. I have one child still to raise to be the man that we raised our older three boys to be. Lucky for me I have those three to help me along the way. Leaders who can lead by example for their little brother and serve as reminders of what is to be expected of him.
I have always been a pretty strong and independent person but It sure was nice to have someone to lean on and hold onto when times were rough, and I felt like I could not handle anymore. Now most of my leaning will be on the Lord and the rest will be on my own shoulders and strength.
Recently my three older sons shared with me that they have always seen me as the strength behind our family, Erik was the force but to them I was the one who kept everything together and endured the most and barreled through it all with impeccable strength and grace. My cup runneth over from those sweet words and I have never felt more successful.
I look at my children and I see Erik’s eyes. I see his smile and I hear his voice almost always. I know he is never gone because he lives through all of them and in my heart forever.
I am betting on me now and when it came to betting, Erik always said, “it is all about the chances babe” Well, I am not much of a risk taker, more of a cautious soul really, but if there is one thing, I have learned out of this, life really is short, and you never can tell when your time will be up, and your mission will be complete.
So, it is time to find out who I really am, what really drives me and what I genuinely want out of my life now. It is crazy to think that it is all up to me and me alone now and I only have myself to answer to and myself to blame for the mistakes I make along the way. I never imagined my life coming to this point. I seen Erik and I growing old together, becoming grandparents and traveling around the nation together with pride at the life we had built.
As I said before, I want to make waves and stand out in the crowd now, I want to write a book and travel to the places on my bucket list and be a grandmother and just really love life to its fullest. I want to prove to my husband that who he left behind, really was a force to be reckoned with and has what it takes to shake the world with her passion.
More than anything else, I feel scared, vulnerable, and completely lost and alone. I continue to search for the positive moments and the happiness I once had and to push myself to keep moving on. There are always those moments when reality strikes and the reminder of him not being here is made aware to me, as if it has not been there all along, it stills brings uncontrollable emotion and pain and I become lost in the remembering of what once was.
Nevertheless, I aim to make him proud and to make is memory and the life he lived mean something. I want him to know that what he did with his time here on earth mattered and that he built a life and a family with me that was beautiful and passionate and one that will carry on the legacy of him and what he stood for in life. I want him to know that what he expected from all of us and instilled in all of our children was of value and something that they will carry with them and I will carry with me forever.
He made an impact, not without flaws but more than anything, remembered with love and affection, laughter, and smiles, music, and a constant desire for wanting more. “Never stop growing, never quit learning”, “When placed in command, take charge.” Words Erik persistently instilled in all of us, words my children and I will forever live by.
Now I must grow on my own and learn all of the things that were simply taken care of by Erik, without even a moment’s thought. I have now been placed in full command and I am taking charge of what is to happen now and of what is yet to come. May the Lord stand beside me and guide me through it all.