Have you ever just stood for a moment and found yourself smack dab in the middle of empty space, feeling like nothing around you is reality? Have you walked through your entire day feeling like you didn’t exist? Have you ever felt like you were in a time warp, a twilight zone effect and you wondered if you would ever find your way out? Have you ever felt so strongly like something was going to happen, but you couldn’t quite place a finger on when or if your feelings were even worth holding a candle to them? Maybe you just want the something to happen so badly that you keep imagining it in your mind and hoping it will ring true. Have you ever believed that you no longer have a place in this world where you belong and if you do you have no idea where that is anymore?
When something so significant occurs in your life that it feels like it has ripped your heart and soul in two and that you will never be able to put yourself back together again, it seems unfathomable that you will ever find yourself completely whole again.
When you feel like you have reached out and made an effort to heal, you have tried smiling no matter the circumstance, laughing at almost everything and carrying on in spite of all the anguish you feel and yet somehow you just can’t reach the place where you feel the emptiness will be full again and the pain will no longer hurt and the sadness will turn in to a fully quenchable happiness that will take away all of the darkness you once felt swallowed into.
I keep asking God what is his plan for me, what am I supposed to do now, where do I go from here, am I meant for anyone anymore? Is there anyone meant for me? How do I go on and where am I going on to? I keep trying to force the hurt away and I keep trying to see the beauty and sunshine in each day, but the fog just doesn’t seem to lift from within me and the eeriness of the emptiness I feel doesn’t seem to feel as if it will ever find its cup running over again.
Yes, I sleep, but I toss and turn all night, yes, I wake up every morning and go about my day, I take my son to school, I shower, I eat, and I pray, but it feels like Groundhog Day most every day. My house no longer feels like a place my husband ever lived in and I no longer feel his presence around me. I chose to let him know that I need to continue on with my life and that I am ok with where he is today, but I am still trying to figure out where I am continuing on to.
I have faith in my God that he will see me through all of this, I just need him to see me through faster than this. I need answers to what Is next for me. I feel like everything in my life is upended and every bit of my life is hanging from a cliff in wonder if I will fall or fly. If you ask me, I will tell you, I don’t know why I feel this way or why I can’t find my real smile these days, I just know its not there.
Most days I let the music take it all away and I feel happy for part of the day. I truly believe I am not meant to live in this world alone forever and I certainly don’t want to, I want to believe that the light will shine through one day, I want to believe I will feel the hurt dissipate and I will be set free from my misery, I just wish I knew when that day and that moment will be so I could carry on working to reach that destination in time. Maybe it would be easier to keep on if I had a timeframe in place that I would finally be okay.
It is not easy having people thinking you are crazy or worried about your frame of mind, concerned for your wellbeing. No one can really understand what I am going through, because they are not me and they can’t know how I feel or what makes me, me. I am a strong woman, I refuse to be weak, I am a smart woman, and I am an awesome mom who refuses to ever let her babies down. I will make it through all of this, I have to because it is who I am. I am loyal, I am passionate, I am compassionate, and I am faithful. I will never give up, I will never give in, and I will find the answers I seek, and I will reach my dreams, because it is what I deserve.
We all go through turmoil in our lives, and everyone goes through it differently, that’s what makes us all unique and individual human beings in this world, we all walk our own path, and we all sing our own tune and sometimes we find ourselves walking into another and sharing a path as one, most of us never end up walking alone.
While none of this is easy and the fog seems so very dense, I’ll keep walking my path and singing my tune and one day all the pain and tears will make sense. I will find my purpose and the person meant for me now and I know this will happen because God will show me how.