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One Sleepless Night a Day

Kristie Lynn Nelson

It has been almost 6 months since I lost my soulmate and entire lifetime suddenly came to an end. It amazes me, how easily the days go by and we continue to move further and further away from that fateful day. The day when my heart broke in two and my sanctity of comfort and forever love was gone in the blink of an eye. A relationship written in the stars found a meteor that blasted out its soul but will never burn out its light.

I spend most of my days wearing a smile that hides the pain in my heart and serves as a cover for the tears that I shed privately on my own. Throughout every day there arises moments where I am reminded that my sweet love is gone and of the many reasons that I miss him. I have found that I am no longer the same person and I have lost a great deal of who I used to be , someone in love, someone filled with confidence and reassurance that I would always be ok, a woman that had everything she needed and was beyond happy with everything in her life , a woman who knew that there was no one in the world that she wanted more than the man she was so lucky to have.

I am now walking blindly through each day, swinging at the obstacles flying in my path and taking on responsibilities that were never before left for me to worry about because my husband took care of these things without even a second’s thought every day. I feel a certain burning in my soul that yearns for everything to return to normal and all of this to be a horrible nightmare that I suddenly wake up from and hope never to return to again. I lay in bed staring at his picture and sharing my day with him and asking him why he was chosen to leave so soon. I sometimes find myself screaming at him and angrily telling him about the mess he left me in. I tell him how his boys and I miss him dearly and of all the things he is missing that are occurring each and every day. I spitefully tell him how I bought a new car because they took his away and how I am doing things to please me because I deserve something better than all the pain, he left me to feel and yet, secretly I am hoping that the things I am doing are making him proud.

It is funny how all of sudden in the middle of a day while at work or driving home and most times at the end of a night when I am climbing into my empty bed, I have a brief epiphany that he is really gone and not coming home, It seems crazy that I seem to keep forgetting this or perhaps keep telling myself internally that none of this is real. It is said in the bible that God allows suffering to bring us closer to him, as much as I love the idea of being closer to God, I pray he reaches out to comfort me and ease my pain very soon. I pray that he guides my boys through their lives and keeps them safe and sound, strong and smart, healthy, and happy. I do this every night in hopes that he continues to watch over our family and to be the security we lost when we lost our dad and husband so recently, so unexpectedly and so young.

I am not sure this pain will ever go away and somedays I hope it does not for fear of it becoming a past and I do not ever want my husband to be someone in my past but instead to be a forever in my heart and a feeling that remains in my soul and my mind always. I know I will always see him in the faces and personalities of my children. I will never forget how happy he made me the day he chose me to be his one and only and I can seem him still the night before he died, staring at me, and telling our boys, “Look at her, look how beautiful she is, make sure you always take care of her.” For a split second I wondered why he said such a thing but then quickly dismissed it as something he always said to our boys, “When I am gone, you boys make sure you take care of your mom.”

I miss him, I miss his smile, I miss his voice and his laughter, I miss his hugs and I miss his passion for music, for brewing beer, for hot summer days, for early mornings, and for loving his family and friends. I miss my husband every single minute of every day. It has been almost 6 months and it feels like an eternity and with that a whole lifetime still to go on without him.

I am filled with a new and different strength I have never endured before, one that enables me to be mom and dad, to be the soul provider and the widowed wife, a term I despise, and a single woman in print but never in my heart.

I am burdened with never forgetting and never wanting to but crying out in frustration that I cannot fix this; I cannot correct it or take it back or prevent it from ever happening.

I am chosen to suffer and challenged to survive once again and I am reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, strengthen me lord and help me find serenity within my pain. I hope one day I will find it all well within my soul.

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