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My Talks with God (journal entry 2)

Good morning God, it’s a beautiful day out there, cold but sunny. Sadly, I am not feeling so perfect this morning. It Seems the closer we get to the holidays, the more alone I feel. I know that seems strange, the holidays are supposed to be the time when you are surrounded by all of the ones you love the most, but for me, while all of my boys will be here as well as my mom, the rest of those I love so much will not.

Of all the times throughout the year for me to really feel the pain of my loss, I never thought about the holidays being difficult. I figured I would have my boys home and be busy and never have time to consider the hurt, but I was clearly wrong. I see on the tv, these Christmas love stories and the couple holding each other, while sitting by the fire, the mom and dad watching their children unwrap presents with looks of love and happiness in their faces and I realize how alone I am now.

I no longer have someone to kiss as we ring in the new year or to share in the glow of spending time with our children around the Christmas tree and the dinner table. I no longer have that person to share the funny stories about our children with and the memories of each other with.

Of course, I know what the real meaning of these holidays is about and that these movies on tv are a bit embellished but nonetheless, it reminds me that I am alone.

I know you have shown me signs that this may not be the case one day, but right now, the holidays just seem to put it all on display, they just seem to feel so different, like the emotion behind them just isn’t the same anymore. They also seem to remind me just how financially unstable I am and how important it is that I find some way to earn a living again. I’m not sure I have the same pride in being a nurse as I once had and if this is truly what I want to do anymore. I have been praying on this as well. Please lord, help me to figure out what I am meant to do to support my family and be happy doing so.

I believe in you lord, and I know you will never let me fall. I miss having someone in my life that would wrap his arms around me and hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I miss my partner and my friend. I hate letting my children see me in pain and hurting. I want to be happy for them and make the holiday’s special for them not sad and miserable. They should not have to feel my pain.

Help me lord to feel whole again, to find my independence and my strength as a woman and a mother again.

I miss my husband and his sweet face; I miss his strength and the comfort he gave me, and I look forward to the day when I can find that kind of love and comfort again. I look forward to the day when the holidays only hurt my pocketbook and no longer hurt my heart.

I feel empty today and while the sun is shining today, there is a sunshine that I miss today and the smile it brought to my face and my heart every day. I hope it comes back one day and I hope that it comes to stay and fills my heart and soul with happiness again.

Please be with my boys, keep them safe and sound, strong and smart, happy, and healthy. Be with my Kevin as he travels home this week and comfort my Brendan and keep him safe as he works this week and cannot be home, help him to know that he is always with us, and we love him so much.

Help the family of the young man lost from Michigan state to find their son, I am sure that is their holiday wish this year, help him to be ok when they do.

Thank you, Lord, for always listening. I love you…. Amen

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