The same thoughts keep playing through my mind over and over again. Why did you leave? Where did you go? Did you know when you left that day, that you were never coming back? Did you know something that you were not sharing with me? Why didn’t I make you stay? Were you scared when the pain came? Did you have time to feel the pain? I am sorry that you were alone, and I was not there to help you and I am sorry that this happened to you and there was no warning. Or was there a warning that you did not share?
Every single day, all day long I play these same questions out in my mind and I wonder if I will ever know the answers.
I look at pictures of you and can not absorb the reality that you are really gone, that are life together is suddenly over and that our goals and dreams to live our lives out together and finally enjoy everything we worked so hard for has ceased and will never be a reality.
I see your face smiling and I hear your voice singing and laughing, yelling, and griping and I miss all of it so much. I long to hold you and kiss you, feel your touch, smell your hair and all of the sweetness of you that you and I always spoke of.
I hate that we will not be playing golf together or taking our little day trips together or sharing laughs and conversation. I hate that our texts between each other through out the day have just ended without any possibility of starting again. I hate that I never had the chance to tell you goodbye or that I love you so much and I do not want you to go. I hate that I could not tell you I was here, holding your hand and everything was going to be ok.
I hate that there are no answers and it all happened way to soon. I hate that I had no idea that this was going to happen. I hate that I was expecting you to come home and climb into bed and kiss me good morning and tell me you loved me, and I would kiss you in return and yell at you for leaving in the first place and we would peacefully sleep the day a way after a long night.
More than anything, I just hate that you are gone, and I am here alone. My heart is so broken, and my stomach constantly feels like a big knot is in it that will not go away, and I just want to throw up. I can not sleep, and I can not stop thinking about you and how nothing will ever be the same again. I hate that I can not fix this and that I can not pinch myself and wake up from this horrible nightmare and make it all go away.
I hate that I love you so much that I can not hate you at all, I can only feel the constant pain and ache of you never coming home to me again. I know I have to keep moving and keep living but most days I feel as if that is the most difficult task of all. Living without you seems near impossible for me and yet I must take on the task of being mom and dad to all of our beautiful boys and continue to raise our youngest and instill in him all of the same morals and integrity that we instilled in the other three, together.
Everywhere I go, I see places we have been and spent time and I am reminded of activities we shared and the fun we had together. Everything I do and see triggers a memory of you or a moment we shared and suddenly I am sobbing and have no idea how I am going to get through any of this.
I constantly replay the last night we spent together, the call from the police officer and the words he said to me. The E.R. room and the words the doctor said to me and you lying their still and with the scared look on your face and the silence only from you while I fell apart and begged you not to leave me and watched my boys cry in anguish and I could do nothing to make things better.
These thoughts are nightmares for me, and they come often in my sleep and even sometimes before I lay down for the night.
I pray to the lord to help me find the strength to keep on and to be strong for my boys and to guide me through the rest of my life without you.
I am planning and I am trying to be strong but the days and the nights they are so long, and the feeling of loneliness is so immense. I am afraid of forgetting and of hurting you with the choices I make in the days, months, and years ahead, but I know you would tell me to be strong and you would tell me to go on.
I know you would tell me; I will see you again sweetheart and I am with you always. I know you would tell me; I am sorry I left so soon but you got this, and I have faith in you, and I am so proud of you and the life we had together.
I know you would say, we will be together again someday, you will see and together we will live in eternity.
My Sweet Boy, I could have missed the pain my love, but I’d of had to miss the dance. What a beautiful dance it was!