I could have never imagined and would have never believed that the day would come when you would leave me without even saying goodbye. I could have never seen that the day would come when I would lay my head down and closed my eyes and you would not be by my side. I always thought we would grow old together and find peace one day with letting each other go but not today, not now, not this soon did I think you would be swept away by the arms of the lord and leave me here alone, oh lord please help me to find my way.
I would have been happy for the rest of my life with the life we had and what we had together, I needed nothing more in this world than you and I. If I could have just found what would have made you happy, what would have made you stay, but clearly nothing could have kept you here with me, you were always meant to leave today.
I am trying to go on and make a new life for me, I am trying to move on, achieve my hopes and dreams and perhaps find love again, but it seems life will never make things easy and even now I will have to fight for everything I want, and I find myself in this cynical world looking for the ray of sunshine and light of hope to guide me through.
I can’t know what my life will look like tomorrow or the next day or when the positive moments will shine through for me, I can’t live by deadlines anymore or time frames the way I used to because these days are just a waiting game a game of chance and circumstance. My days are filled with music because that is what gets me through each and every day without you. I look into the faces of our boys, and they are what keeps me strong and keeping on.
I am here, living in today and counting on the lord to help me find my way in this life, to help me to reach my goals and fulfill my dreams, to guide me towards a new destiny and to let me be filled with love once again, the only thing is, I feel as if I am either blindfolded or just plain blind to how any of this will come to be or if or when it will happen and I have never been more scared, the idea of starting over frightens me, I am not interested in feeling anymore hurt or disappointment in my life. I had found my everything and now I have to hope to find it again, only this time I am not a young girl with a whole lifetime ahead of her to learn from all of the mistakes, this time I must be cautious and well thought in my decisions for me. I continue to walk in faith and I am learning that faith does not make everything easy it makes things possible
In another week in a half, it will have been one year since you passed away, one year since our world turned upside down and not an anniversary I wish to ever celebrate.
I miss your smile, your laugh, your voice, your arms, and I just simply miss you.
I will get stronger, and life will go on, I will watch our boys flourish and grow, I will keep reaching for my dreams and I will succeed, I will find happiness and feel love again, I promise you I will keep on. I will make you proud.
I will always love you and you will always live on in our hearts, this is not me letting go, this is me continuing on.
I love you my favorite boy in all the world and I wish you could have stayed; it just wasn’t meant to be and now I must go on with my life and live for our boys and for me. Somehow, I know you will always be cheering for me.