Today, I was sitting on the floor at a bookstore, staring at the rows of books on grief and loss and how to cope, ways to move on and how to find yourself and start over and I suddenly realized, I don’t need a single one of these books because none of them can tell me what I don’t already know or what I haven’t already done. I am not sad over the loss of my husband anymore, I happy for him, that he no longer has to live in this crazy world with all the chaos that is going on. I am not giving up on life or walking away from my challenges, I am not lost or confused. I recently felt empty and alone, but I know that only I can fill that void and I will, someday.
I know they say people need time to grieve and get through their loss of someone so dear to them. They tell you to take at least a year before you make any big decisions in your life, but I am almost 48 years old and as far as I can tell life is never a guarantee and you never know when yours will be over. In one more month it will have been one year since I lost my sweet husband and I have come to a lot of realizations since that dreadful day last year.
I will never be the same person I was before I lost him, this does not mean I will be worse or better but that I will simply be different, I am different. I am now playing the role of mom and dad; I am now managing all of the household needs and the sole support for myself and my youngest son. I hold the only key to all of my happiness and my success in the rest of my life.
I recently took a job interview for what could be a terrific opportunity for me should I get it, but it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t, because I know that there is something great waiting for me and it will come along when the time is right. I know that I still have a bright future and that I will always fight to see all of my dreams come true. I know now that life is too short to not give it everything I have, to get everything I want, and live my life to fullest I can from here on out.
Just a short while ago, my heart was awakened by a feeling that I think somehow was always there, but not ready to be realized until this moment and time in my life, a feeling for someone I have known for so long and someone I feel at this time in my life, that I would like to be a part of my life for so much longer and I can only wait to see if he should find his heart feeling the same way one day for me. I suppose as they say, if it is to be, it will be, but for now I will think positively and hope for the best.
I am uncertain how my future will play out now and that is ok, I have an empty canvass to start over and draw new lines and write new stories and it is all up to me how I fill them all in. So, I am ready. I am ready to start over, I am ready to climb the wall of triumph and find my best life for me. I know I will always find tears for the wonderful man I lost and the life I will leave behind that included him, but it is time for me to make new firsts and new memories and fill my life with new love and new hope and a success I have always dreamed of.
I have been through many ups and downs this last year and I am sure there will many more in the years to come but my greatest hope is that I will have shown my children what resilience and persistence means and that I will be able to share the ups and downs in the new chapters of my life and all of my hopeful success with someone I dearly love for the rest of our lives.
What I would tell anyone of you that are going through a loss of a loved one in your life, whether it is spouse or a family member or child or even going through a significant change in your life that is affecting you emotionally and physically, it is not a matter of moving on from your pain or the tragedy that scars you, it is a matter of keeping on. You do not have to let go of the ones you have loved; they will always hold a special place in your heart as they should, you just take them with you because they will always be a piece of you and the life you once traveled. On your new journey they will be a guide of what you learned along the way and of what you can change for you now. They are moment, a memory and a magic that will always shine in your life.
They do not have to disappear or be forgotten; they just can’t be the focus for you on your next steps in life. They are what used to be and now you must create what will be. Now you must create new firsts and take on new trials and new successes that will only be in yours and the lives of anyone who you choose to share them with. The one thing you can always take with you is that they will be watching and smiling, because they see your happiness and that is what they want for you and you can know that without them being a part of your life, you may never have found what you have now. Be grateful for what you had and the love you shared because it made you who you are today.
I believe God has a plan for all of us and I am thankful for the plan he created he for me and I think I have an idea of his next plans for me, and I am hopeful I am right in all aspects of my life, but I will know all of those answers, when the time is right. Life will go on!
