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Its My Grief and I’ll Cry if I Want To

Most everyone has experienced grief in some form or another, and everyone one of us express grief in our own way. We are all built with our own individual set of emotions and methods of expression.

Psalms 139:14 - I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Someone said to me recently “Stop it!” “Nothing that you do is going to bring him back.” I am almost certain this person was trying to help, however for me, this was not at all helpful and I lashed out in anger. I responded back to this person” I am very aware I can never bring him back, but I need to handle my grief in my own way.”

This is what I know: having lost my husband very recently and watching a few friends dealing with their own recent losses, we all must grieve in our own way and no one can tell us how to grieve or for how long to grieve. There are no written answers for how long the pain will stay or what length of time it will take for you to heal and please stop asking us if we are ok, WE ARE NOT OK, this pain and loss will never be ok.

I came to realize today, after a dear friend said to me” You have others counting on you too.” that I must remember I am not alone in my grief, I am not just a wife who lost her husband, I am a mother of four sons who lost their father, I am a sister-in-law of a sister who lost her brother and a daughter in law of a mother who lost her son. I am a daughter of a mother-in-law who lost her son in law and a sister of a sister-in-law who lost her father figure during her childhood and her brother-in-law and they are counting on me to be their comfort and strength as well.

Grief is a funny thing. The pain is so strong, it feels like your entire insides are missing and your body is completely empty. It takes all of your breath away and for me the nightmares are unbearable. You find yourself crying at the simplest things, some of which make absolutely no sense, but they send you spiraling in tears and aguish all the same. You become so wrapped up in your own hurt and anger that you lose site of the others that are hurting too.

For everyone that see’s people grieving and wants to be helpful, remember, you do not get to tell people, “Be strong” or “Stop it” or “You need to move on” or the best one “Your loved one would want you to be happy and let go of the pain and anger.” I have said this last one a time or two to others myself. Well, guess what, my loved one does not get to decide how I grieve, because they are gone, and I am still here, Alone and Broken!

Selfishly, I really do not care how others feel about how I grieve and how many times I cry or yell or what I do to get me through this shitty process. If you do not understand or are tired of hearing it, then, do not listen. This is what I must do to keep on keeping on. Unselfishly, I will take time to love my boys and comfort them and listen to them and hear about their pain through all of this and reach out to my family and tell them I love them, they are in my heart always and we will get through this together.

Life will NEVER be the same and my heart will always be broken. No one will ever know or really understand what we are going through, you cannot, it’s not your pain, its not your loss, its mine and it’s my children’s and it’s my families in each of their own individual ways and its my friends own loss and pain for their loved ones and you can’t fix it and you can’t take it away and you can’t time it or make it better.

You can tell them you love them, and you are here to listen, but you must let them grieve as long as they need to and grieve the way they need to, it is the only way they will get strong and keep on.

I am thankful for all of those who have reached out and expressed their love and condolences and willingness to be there to listen and I am truly thankful for those who remind me that I am never alone and for the dear friend who reminded me that others are counting on me too.

Jeremiah 10:19 -Woe is me for my hurt! my wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it.

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