I know in the last year I have written many blogs based on grief, but in the last year I have endured a great deal of grief’s presence in my life. When your whole life seems to have been ripped from your grasp and turned upside down, all you have in your soul is pain and sorrow. I always write what comes from my own inner thoughts and feelings, so with that, when grief fills your every thought and feeling that is what you write about and when a response to that is needed you give one.
Everyone tells you that you need to take time to find you and learn who you are after you lose someone who was so much a part of you and the life you lived, but no one can know what truly makes each one of us tic or how we manage our grief and how we find ourselves and our happiness.
As I sit here today, I have realized that I already know who I am and what I want in my life, for me and for my family. You see, what I want is a career in writing that keeps me financially stable, what I want is a home on the lake where I can look out my window and see the shimmering water and feel inner peace with the world around me.
What I want is to love and be loved, I do not need someone in my life, but I want someone. I love having a partner, a lover, and a friend in my life every day. I love waking up to someone I can kiss good morning and falling asleep beside someone I can wish sweet dreams to. I love having someone to discuss life with and live life as teammates with. Yes, I can manage on my own, I am a strong woman who can live without someone, I just do not want to.
What I want is for my children to always be safe and sound, happy and healthy. What I want is to watch them start families and build lives and I want to do that with someone beside me sharing those moments. What I want is someone holding my hand and I holding his until our last breath on this earth.
What I know is, I will always miss my husband and I will always be grateful to have had him in my life and shared so many wonderful blessings with him. What I know is that I am no longer hurting over him, I am happy for him. I am happy that he is no longer hurting, he is no longer angry at the world or sad, he is no longer frustrated at the way the world is going or stressed and worried over what could happen or what he cannot achieve. He is at peace, and he is living in the glory land of God, and he has everything I ever wanted for him in our lives, he has happiness and peace in his heart and his mind. I know he will always be with me in my heart, and he surrounds me in our children.
What I feel is frustration, trying to manage everything on my own. I feel empty and alone, like I have been left to survive the turbulences of life with no partner to pick up the pieces or have my back while I am busily fighting off the battles in front of me. What I feel is that my children see someone who is lost and scared and they think she is mentally distraught and not capable of making a sound decision.
What I think is, my children need to understand that while to them my decisions seem off kilter, they are my decisions and they may not approve or understand any of them, but we all need to manage our battles our way, we may not always succeed and we may find failures along the way, but that is the challenge we face and we are not living our lives if we are not trying and sometimes failing along the way.
I know what my dreams are and what I want my future to look like and who I want to be in it, that does not mean that all of my hopes and ideas will come true, but I will never know if I don’t reach out and try.
I do not need time to find me and figure out who I am on my own, I know who I am, I have always known who I am. I know what I want in this life and grief has not blurred my vision or disturbed my mind so far that I can not see clearly what I want and which direction I choose. Grief has just merely made the journey a little more challenging, but the goal a lot more desirable.
I have learned first hand how short life can be and how easy it is to live our lives stressing about what we don’t have or where we think we will end up and how simple it is to stop trying and just give up and accept what you don’t want, just to make ends meet, but I am not willing to do that, I am not willing to stop reaching for what I want out of this life and I am not interested in others opinions on whether my aspirations are attainable or logical, I am only looking forward and continuing to grasp for everything I want out of this life before this life is over.
So, I have found me, because I never lost me, I know what I want, I know who I am. I am a woman who is determined to show my husband and the world that you can have everything you want in life, and you can find every happiness within you, if you place your faith in God and you never give up.
I know what I want for my future, and I am just gearing up for the fight to see it through, it will take some endurance and maybe a few tears along the way, but I will keep trudging and being persistent until I reach those stars I am aiming for.
I do not need time to determined what I want or who I am. When you take time, you waste life and life is precious and a gift that is only afforded us for a short time. I refuse to waste any of my gift on time. I want to live now, and I want to feel my happiness today and every day that I am blessed to be alive.
I do not need time to tell me what I already know and feel, what will I be waiting for? For my clock to time out and tell me I wasted so much time thinking about what I wanted that I did not give myself time to attain it and now its too late?
I can appreciate the idea of making sure the choices you are making are sound and really what you want, but I have always followed my heart and placed my faith in the lord and neither has let me down so far.
So, when someone tells you, to take time to find who you are and to get through your grief, ask them, “will time take my loss away? “, “will time bring them back?” It is not time we need, it’s the patience and understanding to know that we will always miss them but that with time we will find that they never really left us, because they were always in our hearts and will always be there and they will always live on in our memories and our way of living, because we learned how to live with them and through them.