Fighting the Storm and Finding Me
I am standing in front of the mirror asking myself, who is this woman looking back at me? I was once someone’s wife, someone’s sweetheart, someone’s lover, someone’s partner in life, someone’s best friend, I am still someone’s mother, someone’s sister, someone’s daughter and so on, but… WHO AM I?
I am a woman of faith, I am a registered nurse with a bachelor’s degree on the horizon, I am a mother of four incredible children. But… WHO AM I?
Well, in answer to everyone’s thoughts and concerns about me, I am not crazy, I am not losing my mind and I am not going to do what ANYONE else thinks is best for me.
I am going to live one day at a time, and I am going to climb mountains. Yes, I am going to fall and yes, I am going to cry out loud and lose my breath and yes, I am going to make decisions that none of you approve of. I am going to do what I believe is best for my children and myself and I could give a shit what anyone else thinks about that!
Yes, I may fail, but they are my choices and I will endure the mistakes and be ok.
Yes, I am angry. I am angry everyday that my husband made a choice in his life that will affect my children and I for the rest of our lives. Not a choice to die but a choice to leave our house and wander out and leave me asking the same questions every day, where did you go, why did you go, what went wrong?
I am angry because people are looking at me like I am fragile and on the brink of losing my mind. I am angry because people are questioning my decisions and trying to make my decisions for me, I am angry because NO ONE can fix what has happened to us and NO ONE can understand how I feel or what I am really going through, yet EVERYONE has advice and EVERYONE wants to correct my decisions and EVERYONE wants to look at me and ask me if I am ok or If I am sure about my choices, STOP IT!!
I am standing in the middle of a storm and the winds are blowing incessantly , the rain is smacking me in the face and the hail is stinging my skin, I am screaming at the top of my lungs “Stop it!” “God help me!” “Why does it hurt so bad?” “How is this fair? ““When will this storm be over?”
All the while I am fighting , my arms are swinging, I am trudging through the flooded waters, pushing through the violent winds and enduring the stinging of the hail trying to find the sun shining across a sea of sky blue pink, searching for the soft field of daisies to lay my exhausted body down to rest and find peace and listening for his voice to tell me it is all going to be ok, I got you.
I have a great deal on my shoulders, and I am working to get through each day the best I can. If you do not hear from me, it is not, that I do not care or I am forgetting about you, I am just busy working on me. If you feel you are being forgotten or ignored, somehow left out, reach out and ask. There is so much I am working on that the days fly by and there is always more to do. You can call me as well as I can call you.
I am gaining ground, I am working out and building strength and endurance, a new confidence and a more powerful me. I am planning life for my enjoyment and I am still me. I am still your parent, you are not mine, I am still your employee, not your stomping mat, I am still your friend, not your project.
I am still in charge of my life and what is mine in this world and the decisions I make, you will need to accept that, this is not up for discussion.
I am a strong, conservative woman of faith, I am a proud mother, I am a compassionate nurse, a loving friend and family member. This is WHO I AM!!
I love the sunset and the sunrise, I love the beach and watching the waves roll and starring at the shimmer from the sun across the lake. I love the smell of new babies and fresh daisies and roses. I am a dog lover and I am not a fan of cats.
I love to play golf and I love listening to music, all genres, well except maybe rap. I love to shop, and I love to travel.
I do not believe in abortion. I believe in life and the right to it. I believe in conservative values not liberal hand-outs and politically correct whiney ass nonsense. I do not think woman need to compare themselves to men, we should be proud to be feminine and proud to be soft yet strong. We should be proud to let men be men. These are my choices not yours, you should not assault me because of my choices but respect my choices and respect me.
I love who I am, and I believe in me. This is who I am, this is me.
If you love me, then respect me, believe in me and support me. Do not pity me, do not question me and do not try to make decisions for me. You may not understand my choices or like them, but it is not for you to question.
I must fight through this storm the best way I know how. I must let my emotions flow and I will fall down, lose my breath, scream at the top of my lungs, make erratic choices if I choose, because it is my storm to battle, not yours. I will not question how you get through your storm, so please do not question how I get through mine.
I am glorious, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, I am faithful, I am in control of me. I love my children, my friends and my family. So, mind your business and let me do me.
This is who I am, THIS IS ME!