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Deep in the Walls of Hell

When your outward person feels like you should smile and put on a brave face. When you see the sunshine and your heart feels as if you should find solitude and happiness amidst the rays of the sun. When your soul truly wants to smile and hold strong to that moment of positivity that just filled you from within. When everything inside of you wants to find joy in your life again but your whole self is just missing the important pieces that you need to feel completely healed and happy again.

Depression is an interesting emotional ride. You fight it almost daily and deny that you are even going through it, but the ups and downs throughout everyday bring you to the sudden realization that you really are caught deep within the walls of hell. You find yourself coming to an understanding that a good portion of heartache and anger will probably never go away. How could it when the main reason you feel this way will never come back. Life will never ever be the same again. Ever!

You tell yourself you can replace them and find someone that will make you feel that wholeness again. Someone that will make you feel complete and full of happiness again. Nothing is that simple. No one can ever really fill the space that they left behind. Only your heart can know and feel when something is as perfect or at least close to it. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what your heart knows or feels.

I fight many demons and many emotions daily in my life and I make sure I wake up every day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. I have to, I still have a son to raise and a life to live. I am not trying to gain sympathy from people or preach my need for positivity and the will to keep going on to people. I am just simply trying to be the best me I can be.

I cherish my friends and the love they give me and the care they express and sometimes I even reach for a friend’s advice. It used to be that I always had my husband for all of these things and together we brought each other through a lot of storms. He was my person, and he was always perfect to me. It is still very surreal to me that he is gone, and I think it always will be. I will always be proud that he chose me, and I am always hopeful that I will continue to make him proud.

I’m not sure when these deep walls will crumble, and I will be free. I can’t really be sure I will ever find that person that makes me feel as whole as I used to be and perhaps if I ever did or do, he won’t be so sure I am what completes him.

It’s a funny thing, love. When your young it seems to hit you right in the face but when you find yourself alone one day unexpectedly, it is never really that easy again. You find yourself afraid to open up and let anyone in; And for good reason, how do you know who you can trust? You are dealing with so much pain already, who wants to add to it by getting hurt.

Most days I am just busy enough being angry at the world and trying to understand what God’s plan is for me now. I am just trying to gain my strength for my boys and rebuild me into someone new, someone with a renewed purpose, a happy heart and a soul that shines again.

Deep in my walls of hell I am still searching for the light that leads me to the missing pieces that will make these walls crumble and make my life complete again.

Depression? Yes, it is real, but it has a weak wall somewhere, and I am going to find it!

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