I have felt you answer so many of my prayers, even the simple ones that were merely requests for something to line up right for a moment in my life. I know you answered when I asked you to keep my family and myself safe when traveling, when I needed you to walk me through a financial and marital struggle years ago, and when you took care of my son and his health when I thought I was losing him not so long ago, but can you hear me now?
Somehow, I do not believe you have ever let me down and when I gave to you my complete and utter faith and I placed my heartfelt anguish in your hands and let you take control, you seen me through some of the hardest moments in my life.
Today and yesterday and everyday since I have held my faith in you without any question in my heart that you are there. I know that you have not left my side for a moment with everything I have endured in the last year. My love for you is unwavering and I find all of my strength through you.
Life never stops challenging me Lord, I am constantly in a battle with myself and the outside world. You have helped me to find peace in the loss of my husband and happiness for his place with you. You have directed me to live out my passion to write and you have kept me surviving the struggles that have come my way and have helped me to make it financially on what little I have.
You have shown me that my heart still feels and can still love and that I can allow it to be full again.
I am reaching out to you today lord because I want more, I want to achieve my dream, to find my purpose, and to gain what fills my soul with joy and make this the career for me. I am reaching out to you today because I cannot seem to find success in making my life work alone. I am reaching out to you today because I have never felt so empty and so alone in all of my life. In another month and two days it will have been a year since I lost my husband, and all of the pieces of my heart were shattered. It seems lord just when I thought I was finding strength and feeling like life was beaming some light into it for me, I have made too quick of an assumption that life could be just that simple and I feel nothing less at this moment than complete and utter emptiness inside.
I can only blame myself for believing that anything is possible and that I was lucky enough to find a light so quickly in such a dark place in time. I do believe that you must always be willing to step out and take chances and listen to your feelings, because without belief in your own self and your own intuitions in life, what is life really worth? I will never stop reaching and grabbing at what I believe is meant for me in my life, it is just who I am, but the hurt today leaves me a bit broken and bruised for now.
I believe you are here lord; I believe you are always guiding me, and I will never stop speaking with you and reaching for your hand every day, I just wonder how much more pain and heartache you are expecting me to endure? How much more fighting must I do? How many more tears must I shed before you believe I deserve some happiness and reward in my life? Can you hear me?
I must walk through this life and bear every pain and struggle, because I love my children and I refuse to let them down. It seems all too easy to let myself down these days and feel as if I am letting my children down along the way. I am trying so hard to manage life on my own now because that is that task I have been given. I know that I must make sure that I am leading now because you have placed me in command, not so willingly, but all the same, I must show my children how a leader carries on and finds the strength in themselves to endure because that is who I am and that is what I believe.
Just one thing Lord, how do I do this? How do I find the strength? When do the disappointments and the frustrations and the heartaches stop? Can you hear me?
Today I just feel like a fool. A fool that believed that I had a marriage that would last forever, and we would grow old together and watch are babies have babies and enjoy the fruits of our labors until the end of time or at least until a very worthy age of passing on. A fool who still believes that love is precious and rare and nothing that should be wasted, forced, or thrown away. You do not search for love, it finds you and when it does, listen and do anything you can to hold onto it, because you never know if it will come again. A fool that believes in reaching for your dreams no matter how hard it may seem to get there, keep reaching and never give up because you only live once so why not make your life the best it can possibly be while you’re living it.
Am I fool? Am I never destined to receive these moments in my life? Will I always be fighting, struggling, and hurting? Is this your plan for the life I am to live? I am growing tired Lord and I am growing weary; I am starting to think my intuition is not worth much anymore and my belief in stepping out and taking chances is becoming a bit dim. I am tired of being disappointed, I am tired of hurting and I am tired of letting go of what I want and what I deserve. Mostly I am tired.
I want more from you God, I want answers, I want happiness, I want security and positivity, I want reassurance, I want my children to always be safe and sound, strong and smart, healthy and happy, I want love and I want peace in my heart and my soul. Can you hear me God? Can you hear me?
Psalms 23:3
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
AMEN
