Have you ever suddenly felt like you have let everyone down in your life? Like the world is just too hard? Have you ever found yourself holding everyone to high expectations in life and then turned around, looked in the mirror and realized you are no longer meeting your own set level of expectations? Have you ever sat alone in a room and realized that just when you thought you were strong and had the world by the tail, you do not?
Everyday is that day for me. I sent my youngest son off to his first day of junior high today and for the first time in my life, I did not have a job to go to. On my return home I felt a bit strange, but it was after arriving home that I felt completely and utterly lost and let down by my own self. I realized I have no purpose. I am placing all of these expectations on my children and someone I care a great deal about and who am I? I am asking someone to stop and change their whole life for me and for who? For someone who has no idea what her next step is. For someone who just wants to run away from the whole world and sit by a body of water and cry to God that she is a failure. That when life got too hard, she gave up! I honestly have no drive to go back to work as a nurse, at least not in the same way and I have absolutely no idea where I am headed or what life has in store for me.
I loved having a partner, someone I could pull strength from, someone I could share frustrations with, someone who could hold me when I was hurting. I know I am a strong woman, and I am capable of anything I set my mind to, but I am strong to a fault. I hold strength in being a mom because I genuinely love being a mom and I love my boys with all of my heart, I hold strength in being a wife and a partner because I love caring for someone and loving someone and I cherish affection and intimacy, I am a strong daughter because I love my mom and want to do everything I can to care for her, but my strength in myself is only based on how well all of those titles are performed by me. I honestly do not know how to be strong for me. I have never been given the moment to care for me and decide what I want, what makes me happy. I do not know how to manage life all on my own and I am not sure I want to. So, I concluded today that I have reached failure.
I have failed to ever live my life for me. I have failed at reaching true independence and I have failed to hold strength for myself. I possess the greatest strength in loving others, building others up and caring for others, especially my children. I live my life through my love of others. When I give you my love, my love is true and loyal and unconditional. I have failed to love me. I have failed to truly see who I am and what I mean to myself. Today, I am choosing to love me and if someone loves me again, they must understand that I am worth loving and I am worth the choices you may have to choose in order to be with me and you may not have seen this coming but you better be ready to take a leap for me because I am no longer willing to be the only one leaping unless its for me!
I have reached failure, failure in seeing my own worth and in living my life for me, but I am not a failure, and I am not weak. I am strong and I am smart, and I am worth the challenge, I am worth someone climbing mountains to be with me and to care for me. It is my turn to live my life for me!!
World, you have not met me yet, but you are going to love me when you do!!