I am learning that the life we lead, does not always define us, but rather the soul we share becomes our greatest definition of ourselves. As hard as we strive to live our best life, one that makes our best qualities shine, we sometimes fall short of the realization of our true selves and no matter what we believe we are lacking in life or we desire to gain in life, we may be missing the fact that we already have all the best things that life has to offer and we are quite simply wasting the time we are given to fully enjoy what is right in front of us because we are so focused on what more we want out of life or the unfairness of what we have yet to achieve.
It has been the longest 2 months of my life since my husband’s passing, and I have spent a lot of time trying to gain answers to the many questions I hold regarding his death. Throughout all of my time grieving and asking why this happened, I came to realize that my husband had absolutely no idea just how much impact he had on the people he connected with throughout his walk-in life.
My husband was a man who always, in a joking manner of course, spoke very highly of himself and he was a great man but most certainly not without faults. While externally he shined, internally I believe he was burdened with a wounded heart and deep seeded hurt from life’s challenges and a guilted conscious from his few poor choices in life that lead to addictions that inflicted our lives deeply.
My husband was always searching for his payoff in life and he worked diligently to fulfill his dreams of owning a brewery or being a musician and getting his songs noticed without ever really succeeding. He became frustrated and felt like life had failed him and that he was destined to struggle for the rest of his life.
As a wife, one that loved her husband dearly and achingly hated to see my sweet husband hurting and feeling let down by life, I tried desperately to enlighten him by reminding him of all of the wonderful things he was blessed with. I shared with him my feelings about the life we had together. I reminded him that we had each other and our love for each other and we had four beautiful, healthy, and bright sons and a beautiful home and with this we had everything we could possibly need in a lifetime. We were truly blessed beyond words.
I pleaded with him to stop focusing on what he did not have or could not seem to acquire and enjoy what he had now. I told him life is short and if you do not take time to enjoy what is right in front of you, you will miss it all. What I did not realize and neither did he, was what he had given to so many others in his life and throughout his journey in life.
Since his passing, so many have connected with me through tears and conversation to share with me what my husband meant to them and how he impacted their lives.
My husband was already fulfilling his calling in life by being who he was, a dear friend and reliable coworker, a smiling face, a positive attitude, a loving son and brother and a wonderful father and amazing husband.
He was a success, and his best qualities were shining, but in his search for more he missed the realization of what he already had right in front of him and within him.
My husband helped me achieve my dream to be a nurse, a mother, and a wife. With all of these accomplishments that he did not realize, my husbands’ journey was complete, and I believe the lord seen this and took him home because he had truly learned all the lord had meant for him to learn in this life and his task was completed. I certainly wish he had not been so damn efficient, and these lessons would have taken at least 20 years longer.
So, I write this to tell all of you, enjoy what you have and appreciate the loved ones surrounding you before it is too late. Stop focusing on what you do not have or what life is not providing you and focus on the amazing joys life did bless you with.
My husbands journey ended to soon for our family, but my journey must continue, and I will always remember to enjoy the love surrounding me now and appreciate what my husband has left me and what I have gained, not only from life’s lessons, but from the love I shared with my husband and the love I share with my children, my family, and my friends.
I am eternally blessed and forever thankful for my life and I know the pain and emptiness I am feeling now will slowly heal.
And even though I feel completely alone, I know I am never REALLY alone.
My journey will one day come to an end and I will see his sweet face again and be enveloped in his loving arms and the glorious arms of our lord, but until then I will continue to take life one day at a time, find my happiness in the positive memories of my love and in the faces of my children, find my strength, and count my blessings as I gracefully and assuredly complete my God given task.